As 2019 comes to a quick end, I can’t help but look back and reflect over the past year. I know many others are also writing about their “wins” and “loses” of the year and I can’t help but think “who would care about mine?” Well, I do.
2019 has been one of the hardest, most rewarding yet sad years I’ve had in a long time. I’ve lost so much yet gained even more. I’ve been lonely, joyful, ecstatic, scared…felt immense peace and joy and also immense sadness and confusion. The story about two wolves really comes to mind right now.
Inside each of us is two wolves; a good one and a bad one. So which one wins? The one you feed.
My business grew in an upward trajectory while inside I was personally starving. Looking for more, feeling disconnected and unsettled. I no longer wanted to get on social media and hated having to come up with new witty descriptions for photos or picking the perfect one to cultivate the perfect Instagram layout. I felt more like a machine just pumping out photos and never really connecting on a personal level, which goes against everything I ever wanted my boudoir business to be. I wanted to connect with women, hear them out and reassure them and do more than just take photos. I was around with the uprise of social media and to keep up I felt I had to share everything – but mostly ONLY the good things. The prettiest or sexiest photos with the perfect skin and perfect light and perfect angle. Sure, I knew what I was doing when shooting but I was cultivating a empty sense of what boudoir meant to me for the satisfaction of what? Complete strangers on the internet?
While another post is coming with a more in depth look at how my faith and the salvation of Jesus has saved me this past year, I have to credit going back to my roots (I was saved when a young girl but fell away) and listening to Him, not Them. Listening to what God was telling me and not what social media gurus and workshop coaches recommended. And let me tell ya…what I heard was scary and daunting and I kept asking, “God, seriously? Don’t you know that makes no sense to do? Don’t you know that would not benefit my business and is a scary move? Do you know how hard I worked to make this business successful and now you’re asking me to strip it all away and start on a different path?” There have been maaaaany sleepless nights these past few months…nights spent trying to negotiate and not give up control and outright refusal at times, to say the least.
I don’t have a fairytale story for 2019 but I also don’t have a disaster of one, either. I am still growing and listening and treading lightly whereas at the beginning of the year I made a loud entrance and demanded to be seen. Now, I know I will be seen by those meant to see me and I will connect with those who’s stories I am meant to help tell. Telling those stories no longer has to come with a social media post to garner likes or comments but true connections and friendships and stunning images to remind my ladies that they are worthy just as they are…and they don’t have to have a single like on social media to know that deep down. Again, way more on this coming soon!
So…cheers to 2019. I’m thankful for opening a new chapter and look forward to seeing where the next year takes me. I’m not a new me, but I am a new version with a new goal and one that I pray benefits my clients more than ever before.